As a psychotherapist I see quite a few couples in therapy. We psychotherapists are always being asked what we think is important in a relationship. Obviously a couple knowing such things can be helpful, especially if there really are some magic words of wisdom out there that could make relationships easier to navigate through.

I don’t know if there are any magic words, but there certainly are tips and pointers that can help. I want to concentrate on one pointer in particular, because in my opinion it is often misunderstood.

Keeping your partner’s back.

Often this is described as standing up for your partner in times of external conflict where your partner may be questioned, pressured, or generally misaligned with employers, colleagues, family or even friends. It can also be described as being minimally critical of your partner, or not critical at all, in most situations—in other words, to be supportive and accepting of their way of seeing things. This is the part that is often misunderstood.

Dr. Robin, of Oprah fame, says, “If you really want to solidify your partnership with your man, don’t cripple him, don’t criticize him, don’t make him feel incompetent like he can’t do anything right.” Instead, “Show him all the ways he does right and remind yourself that your way is not the only way. Partnership really does mean two people showing up with equal power, with equal access to make an equal contribution to create relationships of equality.” The key phrase here is “equal power with equal access to make an equal contribution to create relationships of equality.” Keep reminding yourself that “your way is not the only way”—this is essential to a healthy relationship, and is very often forgotten, or simply ignored, because many feel that their way may be not be the “only way” but it IS the “only RIGHT way.”

Needless to say that may be true in certain circumstances, but insistence on that “right way” may be a serious relationship killer.

Dr. Phil says, “There is no reality, only perception. What seems real and true to you isn’t necessarily the same for your partner. Try to understand how your behavior feels to someone else. For example, you may feel that you’re giving guidance, but your behavior may be interpreted as condescending.”

We all want to feel safe in a relationship…both partners want to feel as they did when they were safely in mother’s arms, or safe in their own home as a child. Feeling as if one’s own opinion and own preferred way of doing things is invalid leads to a sense of threat, of being in an unsafe environment, and thus can cripple a relationship.

In most cases it will not kill either partner to have the “other’s back.” This is a mutual game of give and take…meaning partner A backs up partner B knowing that when his or her turn comes up, his or her partner will back him or her up as well. This way each champions the other and makes sure the other feels safe. Having your partner’s back in this case, is a team player that says “go, man, go!” even if what your partner is doing doesn’t seem to you to be the best way.

You’ve then got your partner’s back. You are a team, and when your team partner needs you, you are there with support, acceptance, love and understanding. And it all works in reverse as well.

Even if you personally don’t agree…because the next time an issue comes up and you are the one in the “doing” place, and you do something your partner doesn’t do the way you do, your partner will have the opportunity to cover your back and validate your own personal view of the world.

You are then safe as well.

It is essential that you keep a balance with this, and at every opportunity you BOTH support the other. You do not criticize, you do not judge, you do not question. You unconditionally support and you validate.

“How then,” you may ask, “do I let my partner know I may prefer things differently?” Obviously there are times you would want your way to be the primary way something is done by your partner…maybe in love making, or anything else that is applied to you directly. In these cases, express yourself non-critically. Say, “I love that you care enough to think of me in your way, but I would really love it if you…” Requesting anything at all from your partner that is different than what they naturally give you is a delicate task and must be given careful attention to avoid triggering a threatened or defensive response. Yes, you may have to be rather delicate with him or her, and the more you are aware of this, the more successful your relationship will be.

Dr. Leon F. Seltzer, PhD, says, “Essentially, what needs to happen is that you re-focus on the positives and view the negatives from a more accepting, forgiving perspective. If it’s not possible to love everything about your partner (which is very likely the case), can you at least embrace–unconditionally–the overall “package” that is your partner (mostly good but, admittedly, with some not-so-endearing features as well)?”

There are a variety of ways for you to be heard without having to criticize. Although this may at times to seem to be quite inauthentic, this “over the top” commitment to your partner’s views is essentially the whole point. A relationship should always feel safe and as comfortable as a worn pair of slippers. You have to always, or as often as possible, feel as if you could fall asleep very peacefully in the arms of your relationship. Stand up for your partner, and their peculiar, or even confusing, ways of doing things as a mother stands up for and supports her awkward child. Don’t worry about the little stuff, or losing sight of your own way of seeing things, your partner will also “have your back.”

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